Happy Belated Mother's Day

I didn't get the chance to do much for Mother's Day this year thanks to work, but I also had to pretend my birthday was a couple days late. Perhaps I'll just push my entire year back a few days.

My mom's great. Without her, I wouldn't have grown to be the strong, independent woman I am today.

No, that's not right...

Were it not for my mom, the planet we all call home would have been overrun by laser bears many years ago. She single-handedly fought off the-

Ugh, that's not it either. This is difficult.

It really is hard to describe what's so great about my mom. Not because she isn't (which is totally what that sounded like I was saying) but because there are far too many ways in which she's awesome. That's cliché as hell, I know, but I'm serious. It would take me ages to list out everything that's cool about her and I've got to go to bed at some point.

It comes down to this, though: she's always exactly what she needs to be. She's nurturing when I'm feeling sick or down. She's generous when I'm low on cash and food (to the point where I sometimes can't figure out how to eat all the food she gets me before it goes bad; it's great.) She's a total nag when I need an earful of reality. She's a friend I can share my dry, sarcastic sense of humor and rant about the GOP with. She's a helicopter mom that knows exactly when to touch down for a little while. I couldn't ask for better.

Two decades ago, my mom brought me home from the hospital. Her first Mother's Day gift from me was probably something like vomit on the shoulder or a diaper full of sh-t. (Hope you enjoyed that, Mom. Perhaps someday I can give you that again, for old time's sake.) I've always liked how close my birthday is to Mother's Day. We get to celebrate X amount of years, almost exactly, of her putting up with my crap (literally and figuratively) and not dumping me on the street. I dunno how she does it.

Thanks for everything, Mom. Love you. Next year, margaritias are on me.