Oh, Bother

This is another one of those "I don't have anything in mind but I need to write" entries.

I was an angsty kid. I looked back at my 2008 Facebook posts and dang. Every status was whiny and negative. I never seemed to be happy. I don't think I ever realized this or if anyone else did.

I'm sitting here at 2:01 AM thinking about all that angst. Thinking about how much of it has carried into high school and college. It's probably far more than I'd like to admit. But I'm pretty damn angsty and I wish I could stop. Most of the time you can't tell (or maybe you can, you just haven't told me.)

I brush off everything with humor. It's my defense mechanism. I do it to the point of narcissism. It works for me. It keeps other people from digging too deep into my personal business and keeps me from venting. People don't like being vented to as much as they let on. I sure don't.

When the defense mechanism fails to support everything on my mind, though, I get weird. I sort of shut down. Ends up being hard for me to joke around at all. I keep trying to joke, but end up just being kind of a dick. I start to realize that I'm being a dick and it just gets worse. I know I've got to stop talking. I start to distance myself from others so I don't unload my baggage on them.

And then I blog. Or something. This is a recent development. I get to the point where I'm like, "Jesus Christ, my thoughts are too much of a swirl now to even try to sort through them." But seeing as I'm not particularly of the belief that Jesus Christ is going to help me out much there, I have to find another sanctuary. I guess at this point in my life it's my keyboard.

So, why am I writing now? Lots of things. Mostly because of that angst that just pointlessly weighs me down. There's no reason for that angst, it just sits there waiting to come back every once in a while. I don't understand it, but it's a jerk. It's the part of my personality that makes me think, "God dammit, Brandon. You've got no reason to feel down. Everyone's gonna think you're just being whiny for no reason." Because really, I've got no reason to be whiny. I've got it pretty good.

That doesn't stop me from worrying about things, though. I worry about my grades. I worry about money. I worry about my friends. I worry about whether this writing thing is going to get me anywhere. I worry about much more specific things that I'm not going to detail here.

I just worry. All the time. It never stops, even in the good times. It's a character flaw and something that's going to take me a long time to work out. Possibly my entire life.

I don't know what note to end on here. If you're reading this, thank you. It means you care. I just opened up to the entire world more than I've opened up to most of my closest friends.

I'll probably end up worrying about that, too.